/If I try to imagine the future without me in it, all I see/ is bleakness, black, gray, haze. sometimes i can see through the wisps of death and see my father heartbroken, my mon just staring at nothing, knowing her best friend is gone, a little less than a year since her younger sister whom she talked to on the phone all fay long, before her decade cancer battle got her. i think about visiting my aunt a couple times a week and then i remember she’s be reduced to ashes in a cemetery plot. i will never ever get over this loss. im getting off topic. im one of thr most over dramatic people i know and i miss hs drama classes bc you can flip out with no hard feeling bc ~acting~. but in real life i get in so my muscle, bone, joint, spine & abdominal pain that matt i just want to die so i can stop feeling like my body is killing its self. he doesnt reply. i wouldnt kill myself bc i want to go to uni art school, i want to own a house, i want to make large scale canvasses to sell at the beer exchange. i want to make sticker packs to sell on ig. i wanr to know how it feels to fall in love for real and actual be attracted to them. i dont want then taking all my money bc they blew through.$230+80 a week after getting in. i want children but im afraid ill bs cold to then, bc im cold to everyone. the guy i live with & thinks were dating even though hr broke up with me thousands of times thinks we can still date after moving. my last tao bfs wrecked me. and i feel mike an ass bc matt just wants to please everyone him. he deserves a girl who is healthy and out like normal people. i donr know if this answers the prompt. all i know is in making a studio for painting, drawing & drawing with thread on my sewing machine & not leaving my house until late spring.